my crazy lame awesomely awesome life.

This song describes some of my feelings to a T!
sappy pathetic little me. that was the girl i used to be! As I said in yesterday's blog, NO MORE!
you had me on my knees. I have had so many people walk all over me and have been at some many others beckon call. Again, NO MORE!
And just like every guy, pretty much, in my life, you came in with the breeze at first sooo refreshing.
you sure have changed since yesterday, without any warning. <- remind you of someone? :)
i thought i knew you well...so well. some things are never what they seem.
thank you for turning on the light. thank you now youre the parasite. When things go bad I always think that I have done something wrong. I know half of the time I am not wrong but it is hard to see that until something, or someone, shows you.
and you want me badly. but you cannot have me. i thought i knew you. ive got a new view. i thought i knew you well...oh well. EVERY girl that has been burned or hurt...guys too...should feel this way! No guy or girl is worth those tears.

I get so much out of this song. It says so much with a catchy beat. It sucks when you think that you are the only one feeling this way, but there are songs being written about it!
Songs like this always make me feel better! Especially No Doubt songs. All of their songs make me feel like I can overcome anything! Like an action hero...kicking loser @ss.

I wish that I didn't feel like I am too late to make everything right in my life. i feel like ive wasted so many years believing that I was growing when all i was really doing was drowning and masking everything i really am. and its funny how some people know you better than you know yourself. not just my family but also someone that I have known for quite awhile...another that I haven't know that long...and then someone who i have been through good and bad with...my true best friend. who, even though i made bad decisions and did/lived the way that i did. she just wants me to be happy. and she wont know this until she reads this but, i look up to her. she is happy. and to be from where we have been to where she is now...i know that it is possible. and i want that; all of that.

i want to finish school.
i want to be successful.
i want to find love again.
i want to write.
i want to live for music.
all of THAT is "me"
im nice - im caring - im more passionate about life than i realize sometimes. - im a good friend - i love - i smile - i cry - i always want to make every situation better - i hate confrontation - im definitely a lover and not a fighter.
still ALL me.
i dont want to be a drunk - i dont want to use alcohol as an excuse at all - or jealous - desperate - dramatic - negative - pathetic.
i dont want to be "that girl".
the in between girl, the convenient girl.

i hate all these feelings, its not fun. i just want to smile...all the time.
even if it means that this lonely feeling is going to be sticking around.

i wont look to the wrong things for answers, anymore.

this marks the first day of the rest of my life; and so will the days that follow. even if this means cutting out some parts...its something that should be done. ive done and been through too much and have come too far to waste any time.

everything ive done; ive become
i need to re-evaluate that...all of it.
things will work out in their own way.

ive always wanted to rush things, and now ive learned that i just cant.

i made this public because i just want everyone to know where im coming from and what im going through and why i am doing what im doing. i express my feelings a lot better in writing.

i <3 life
i <3 you all, especially the ones who have stuck it out with me through it all.

im not changing; im just defining myself.

-allie